Sasuke Likes Coffee
by plok
Summary: Sasuke needs a challenge, but will he find a true warrior or true love? Also, when will he get his coffee?
1. Chapter 1

Ring ring ring ring!

Sasuke turned off his alarm. Then with a groan he rolled out of bed naked and put his blue clothes and headband on. Sasuke went to the bathroom to shave. After he washed all his facial hair down the drain he took his morning pee. Since he was still groggy he couldn't see and accidentally peed on his dad who was taking a dump at the time.

"Sorry dad," Sasuke muttered.

His dad just grunted and unleashed a gigantic turd the size of Moby Dick. Ishmael tried to harpoon it.

Sasuke walked out of the bathroom. It was time for breakfast. He hoped his Mom had brewed him up some coffee, but she's a lazy piece of crap so he didn't get his hopes up.

"Sasuke I poured you some milk and toasted you a bagel. Do you want peanut butter or raspberry jelly on it?"

"What the hell Mom?"

Sasuke punched her in the face then did his flame style jutsu and set her on fire.

"I just want coffee. Is that so hard to do?"

Sasuke left the house. He figured he would just not eat breakfast today.

Sasuke voyaged to the forest and trained for five hours. It was hard. He killed a deer for lunch then punched it for awhile to keep training.

Sasuke left the forest. It was important for him to practice mentally to. He went to the park to play a game of chess with the local gurus.

"Ah! Young Sasuke is joining us today!" said Gary Kasparov

"Big deal loser. I want you to play blind folded" Sasuke said.

Gary put on his blind fold. It had a rhododendron motif.

Sasuke punched Gary Kasparov in the face. "Just kidding loser. I don't want to play you."

Sasuke got up and walked away.

Life is so pointless he thought to himself. I need a true challenge. A true warrior to fight with my abilities. Only then can know my true power of body and mind. ….


	2. Chapter 2

Sasuke's dad Pablo got off the toilet. It wouldn't flush so he went to get the plunger. He forgot though that his cow was constipated a couple days ago and he had to use it on it. So he went out to the barn to fetch his plunger, but it was nowhere to be found.

"Nikita! Where is my plunger!?" He bellowed from the barn entrance. Nikita was soaking in the nearby lake, nursing her 3rd degree burn wounds which covered her body.

"Sasuke took it yesterday honey. I don't know where he put it."

"Well I just took a gigantic dump and need it. If we don't get the plunger I'm going to make him eat all my poop out of the toilet for supper tonight. And I won't even give him a napkin or moist naps to clean himself with!"

Pablo lumbered out of the barn and went to do his business in the bed room.

Nikita was getting out of the lake when her husband came out of the front door of the house.

"Nikita where are my barnyard animal magazines?"

"Sasuke stopped by and took them just a little bit ago," she replied.

"Grrrrrr…" Pablo stomped back into the house angrily.

Boop boop beep boop…Pablo dialed the phone.

"Yes I'd like to talk to Gary Kasparov. Is he there Mrs. Kasparov?"

Pablo tapped his fingers waiting.

"Hi Gary, it's Pablo. Have you seen Sasuke lately? ….. Really?...He did what to you?...Well, yes I suppose so….The boomerang……right….I really just need the plunger….So he's there?..Right,good…...No I don't particularly care for the way Putin is running things either...Listen, I'll talk to you later Gary..Yep,bye."

Pablo hung up the phone and went to the bedroom to put on some underwear pants and a shirt. Then he boarded his scooter and began push-gliding to town….


	3. Chapter 3

Naruto was jumping through the forest from tree branch to tree branch because that is how ninjas travel. He had an errand to run for his mom, who wanted him to pick up some beans at the market.

"I hope I don't accidentally miss a branch," Naruto thought, "because that would really hurt."

Just then Naruto got hit in the legs with buckshot. He hit the ground like a Jew kicked out of an airplane.

Some girl burst out of the bushes to confirm the kill shot.

"Oh crap! I'm so sorry Naruto!. I was just looking for food for my family when I saw something orange jumping through the trees. I thought it was a deer…"

The hunter was Sakura.

"Dammit Sakura! Deers just don't go jumping through trees! They aren't ninjas!"

"I'm sorry Naruto! I'll use my medical-nin abilities to cure you." 

Sakura waved her hands around a little bit and manipulated chakra to heal him.

"There. I knew my training with Tsunade would pay off." 

"Well, thanks Sakura. I gotta get going go though. I have beans to buy at the market."

Naruto reached into his pocket.

"Oh no! The money my mom gave me to buy them is gone. It must have fallen out when you shot me."

They looked around for it but couldn't find it.

"I feel so bad Naruto. We need to get you some money! Let me come with you and I'll help!"

"Yeah! You and me can do it Sakura! Believe it!"

…


	4. Chapter 4

Sasuke was walking around town looking for stuff to do. Today was really boring. There wasn't anyone to challenge him. Not even challenge him, but make him want to do better. He lived in such an uninspiring village. He doubted that most of its denizens had any real long term goals. Sometimes he even doubted if he did. Every dream he had was just a vague whisper in the future. A general idea or concept. He wanted to be the best fighter, he wanted to attain great power, he needed to have some distinction in Konoha. But here and now, when those notions were so far distant from reality, it was hard to dismiss them as anything but stupid ambitions.

He'd almost resorted to petty crime several times. It's not like there were enough law enforcement officers to actually prevent him from doing so. Being stronger than most people in the village simply meant he could do what he pleased, so long as what he did was not big enough to warrant the attention of the State. But he realized that even that trip would grow old, and after it he'd be stuck right back where he was. What he needed was an equal, someone to train with who could respect his capacities and reciprocate. …

Naruto and Sakura rushed into the Hidden Leaf Village Market.

"You said we can get the money here Sakura?"

"Yep!" 

"Are you sure? This place looks kind of shady. More like the black market."

"Well..I mean..I've done some dealing here before and made a pretty good turnaround."

"Ok, I'll take your word for it."

Naruto and Sakura stepped into a dank looking wasteland of a building. Fortunately it was daytime or else Naruto would have been afraid of some husky looking, sex deprived vagrant jumping out of a dark corner and whisking him away to the land of pedophilic rape.

"Sakura! It's been awhile. I've got customers waiting upstairs if you want to turn some tricks." Said a one toothed lady behind the desk.

"Oh no Jill! Not today! Those days are weeeellll behind me. I'm looking to earn some cash while maintaining my dignity."

"I see. Well, why don't you go talk to Raoul over there at the table? He's got the newest list."

She directed them over to the table.

Naruto and Sakura sat down in front slim looking white guy with slicked back black hair and shades.

"So, you looking for some business eh? I've got a new body on the list. The going rate is 500. Dead or alive. Posted this morning by some fellow goes by the name Sasuke."

"Sakura what is this!?" Naruto asked baffled.

"We'll take it!" Sakura replied.

"Alright. I'll cross the name off. You've got twenty four hours. If you don't succeed by then I'll just assume you died or quit."

Naruto and Sakura walked out of the building.

"Sakura I'm not so sure about this. I mean, I wanted money, but I don't want a criminal record to accompany it!"

"Don't worry Naruto. We'll be fine. Just don't do anything stupid and follow my lead until we get to the fighting, at which point I'll be completely useless."

------------------


	5. Chapter 5

Sasuke got up from the rock he was sitting on. He had stopped by the black market earlier in the day to post a hit. It was really a trap though because he had posted the hit on himself. He hoped that maybe someone respectable would challenge him. Punching his mom in the face every morning for not brewing him coffee was not good training.

Sasuke ate his victuals then coalesced his being with the rabbit turds on the ground. He wiped it on his face like war paint. He remembered the Aztec warriors of yore and their struggle to fend off Cortez and the Spanish horde. They too wiped rabbit excrement on their faces, believing that the preserved nutrients of the defecation would seep through the pores in their skin and provide additional fiber their muslces. He also called on the great snake god Quetzacoatl to aid him in his coming battle. After this he packed up his stuff in his ruck sack and darted off into the forest like a white tailed deer running across an open plain.

---

Pablo had only gotten about 1 mile before his heart started hurting. He was too out of shape for this kind of strenuous activity. He got off his scooter and took off his shirt. Children walking by laughed at his portly physique. Hanging his head in shame, Pablo put his shirt back on. If he was ever going to find Sasuke and get back those barnyard animal magazines that he needed for his bedroom business he would need something to replenish his body. Pablo had not planned to turn this into an all day adventure. He hated long trips like the one his family took to Knobels last year. It was a terrible experience, loitering around the park like a bunch of vagrants, playing mini golf on annoying, looping courses with ponds not even deep enough to drown himself in. Pablo remembered his ample girth had accidentally fractured the rib cage of a child who sat next to him on the Ferris Wheel. However, with no recourse he sought out the nearest tavern where he could rest for awhile.

-----

Nikita, Sasuke's mom, answered the door.

"Hello Nikita, is Pablo gone?" said a familiar Russian accent.

"Oh hello Gary Kasparov, he's been out for hours now looking for Sasuke. I lied to him and told him that he had his barnyard animal magazines and plunger. Aren't I just a devil? I actually stuffed them in the closet. Since Sasuke punched me in the face this morning and set me on fire I figured it would be good punishment for him to get Pablo mad at him."

Gary Kasparov closed the door surreptitiously.

"Don't you have protest to be at Gary Kasparov?"

"Yes, but I would rather be with you than standing around the Kremlin with a bunch of ugly Russians."

"That's sweet Gary Kasparov. Why don't you come with me."

With that they slipped off into the bedroom.

The only sounds coming from the house that night were the feeble moans of the impotent former chess guru beckoning the full moon like a castrated wolf.


End file.
